Be a good host

Imagine a person going to a theme party...

There is a woman who can carry on quite well at a Harry Potter party without knowing anything about the books; she's never even seen the movies. She ask questions, learns the vocabulary, and joins in enthusiastically. She has a good time and fits in nicely with the rest of the fanatics. By the end of the night, she's discussing the differences between the written series and the films. You would hardly know she's the person who didn't know a thing about Harry Potter.

Another person goes to a zombie party, even though he hasn't seen The Walking Dead or read the graphic novel. He's going to attend, knowing that he likes the people. He sees familiar, welcoming faces but doesn't ever feel in sync with everyone else around him. The chatter and laughter are all based on a joke he doesn't get. He never quite connects with the people he had such a great time with just a few days before. They're all talking about the latest episode of The Walking Dead, and he's been watching Boardwalk Empire.

Some poor woman goes to a Game of Thrones party, full-length gown and all. She has read all of the books and watches the show religiously. But guess what. It's a Breaking Bad party and everyone's wearing yellow zip-ups. She's seen Bryan Cranston's performance and it's great. She can't wait to talk about his relationship with Jesse in season 4. Everyone can see she's in the wrong costume, of course, but she figures she can get people to focus on her knowledge of the show. She tries to laugh it off. She makes an effort to adapt. She ends up explaining her appearance all night and never gets around to having a normal conversation with anyone.

The last guy gets invited to theme parties constantly. He reads a lot of books; he watches movies every weekend; his DVR is full of the latest shows. Naturally, he'd love to put on half a face mask and talk about Boardwalk Empire. There's no way he wouldn't want to put on a cocktail dress and discuss Mad Men with the best of them. Except he doesn't want to do any of that. He doesn't want to be a part of this hokey charade. He just wants to come home from work, take his pants off, and watch his shows in peace. He'll update his blogs and read some other people's. Then he'll read another chapter of Game of Thrones and go to bed.

Let me tell you something about people with depression:

We're constantly trying to pass.

People with depression are invited to participate in an event where we don't speak the lingo. Some of us are very good at it though. We can blend in and adapt with a little bit of effort. But there are times when we just can't find our way through the crowd, even around loved ones. And some of us can't get people to look past this one fact about us to see how much we actually have in common. We just can't get mentally healthy people to understand that we aren't like them. We might have things in common, but we don't express ourselves in the same way. It's very frustrating and we want to fit in most of the time. Other time we just need to be left alone to be pitiful.

Be patient. Keep inviting us to join in the festivities. Just remember that we can't always fit in the way you would like -or even show up at all. It's nothing personal. Sometimes people get the flu.

What happened to you?

It's not that people don't care or haven't had any experience with mental illness; it's just difficult to understand. The stigma surrounding mental illness is as strong as it is outdated. Not that I blame people for their lack of knowledge. It's much easier to think of depression as a temporary, self-inflicted phase than a dangerous disease with complex and varied sources and treatments. It's a lot quicker to call a person "crazy" than to understand the social, physical, chemical, and circumstantial factors that influence her mental health.

I've heard some pretty ignorant and hurtful things in regards to mental illness. These are just a few actual things that people have said to me in reference to my depression.

"What does a beautiful young woman like you have to be depressed about?"

This question is a statement. This kind of remark says I have no right to suffer from my illness. This question-statement suggests that I can simply not be the way I am if I look at myself in the mirror. Depression is a right, something you earn by being trod upon and disfigured. If I would just choose to realize how good I have it in comparison to others, I wouldn't be sick anymore. It says that unattractive people or those over 50 may and should be depressed. This question was meant as a compliment! A medial professional said this to me, and she should have known better.

"What happened?"

This kind of question is also a statement. It says that a person should only have "an emotional problem" if a sufficiently awful event has occurred. I get this a lot when I come out to a new person as a sufferer of mental illness. When I say, quite plainly, that I live with depression, I'm often met with this well-meaning question. This is like responding to an abuse victim's tale with "What did you do? You must have done something..." To be fair, sometimes circumstances trigger depression. That does happen. However, my depression is chronic and hereditary. If something horrible happens, it may bring on my symptoms, yes, but more often than not, there is no immediate, external reason for my illness to show itself.

"I wanted to shake you by the shoulders and tell you to get over yourself. Your friends' eyes are soon going to glaze over, and they will not be able to give you the attention you demand."

Unlike other questions and comments about my illness, this was said specifically to hurt me. It worked. I am in a constant battle against the paranoia that I could be demanding too much help, attention, and validation. As a person dealing with mental illness, I am painfully aware of the emotional burden I can be on my loved ones. It's unbearable. No matter how small the imposition, I feel the guilt of being an "attention hog" or "needy" or a "drama queen." I don't want the kind of attention that makes me the center of the universe or the focus of conversation. I crave the care and attention that come from not being able to trust my own perception.

"Sometimes being a friend means letting someone else be more sad for a while."

Depression is not a contest. It can be difficult to see past my own insomnia, weight loss, and feelings of helplessness, but I won't invalidate another person's emotions because it's "my turn" to be sad. Depression, whether clinical or circumstantial, is not a competition for sympathy cards. Your struggle is your struggle and mine is mine. There aren't any points to keep track of; there's no schedule to adhere to. We're both just trying to survive, and covering up my struggle is not the way to do it.

"You have to decide to be happy."

This is a crock. It's a nice idea for a motivational poster, but it just doesn't apply to mental illness. Would you tell a person with MS to will himself out of sickness? No. That's insensitive and medically unsound. How many cancer patients have you told to just think away the tumor? None. Because you'd be a complete asshole if you suggested such a thing. So why is it acceptable to prescribe "mind over matter" to a person suffering from a mental disease? It's not. It's not helpful to suggest that a person is simply choosing to be sick. It's not okay to tell someone she needs to "snap out of it" and wake up healthy. Not to mention the fact that you're telling someone to use the very thing that is malfunctioning to fix the broken part. Now who's crazy?

"You do love your drama..."

I've gotten used to crying uncontrollably. There came a point when I had to stop being embarrassed about it or leave the room. Wasting away my evenings in a bathrobe is not my idea of fun, but the pile of dishes in the sink hasn't gotten bigger than my will to sleep until I feel human again. I make jokes about my disease because no one likes a Debbie Downer. I use humor to cope. I transform trauma into art. I found a way to make my weakness a strength. I don't enjoy it.



There's no reason to suffer these slights quietly. Most people don't know how hurtful they are being, and they won't know unless you tell them.

Educate yourself. If you are living with mental illness, learn more about it. (If you're not, that shouldn't stop you from finding out more anyway.) Find others who are coping. Empower yourself with information.