Read a trashy novel, wear sparkly shoes

Kate Middleton Post-Baby is Already Skinnier Than You

-Yahoo Shine headline

Poison.

This kind of "news" piece attacks the reader emotionally and directly by:

• perpetuating competition about body size/shape/type
• shaming mothers and fathers who have not lost "the baby weight"
• equating being skinny with being rich, famous, beautiful, and well-loved
• perpetuating the notion that being healthy and/or thin has a deadline

You don't have to put up with it. Stop reading this shit. It's poison.

There is a lot of pressure inside your head. There are classes to go to; bills to pay; blind dates to go on; deadlines to meet; medication to take; treadmills to pile clothes onto; people to avoid. You don't need this. Just stop it. Read sciencey stuff, especially about how big the universe is. Read about gorillas who are best friends with tiny domestic pets. Read stories about people being nice to other people on airplanes. Listen to plinky plunky music that relaxes you. Listen to peppy crap that makes you smile and sing along. Listen to comedians. Watch videos of several babies laughing at the same time. Watch old people holding hands. Watch kittens and puppies, preferably together, while they run and play and do adorable tiny things.

Stop letting this insane body competition trick you into hating yourself. You're fine. You've got problems, sure, but your very existence is next to impossible. Think of amazing stuff like that. Don't think about this "50 Ways That Frowning Makes You Gain Weight" bullshit. It's fake and it's poison. It's cancer of the spirit. Just cut it out of your life.

Have a cookie. Get your nails done. Punch a pillow.



P.S. I actually read the article and I was struck by something pretty disgusting: "More surprising, we suppose (though, considering her clearly alien genetics, maybe it's not that shocking), she appears to already be back to her pre-baby weight."

So we love Kate. We want to be just like her. She's chic and young and in love and super rich. But she's an alien and we can never ever be like her. It's impossible. But try anyway. Because you love her. You hate her.

Stop it.

I always felt so different and so crazy. -Kurt Cobain on high school

Most people feel this way about their adolescence, don't they? Kurt was famously tortured (and tortured by being famous). Does that make his story ironic? Is this just a case of hearing the same old story from a bigger megaphone?

When young people who suffer from mental illness express their pain, it can be brushed off as "whining" or "dramatic." All teens don't struggle with depression, but it can certainly seem that way at times. How can we tell who is "really depressed" and who is "just looking for attention"? What's the difference? Where is the line?

As a teen living with depression, I found that the real comfort started from within myself and was pushed outward. I wrote, sang, acted, played the violin. I didn't have the resources or emotional capacity to share my experiences directly with other people. I used the arts to bridge the gap and ease the pain. I needed a public platform to become someone else; someone who was well-liked and praised. That's still my main therapeutic activity. I wonder how other kids got through it...

If you have thoughts on this, please share!

Reverse To-Do List

Instead of making a to-do list (which I have running in my head on a constant basis [creating a tremendous amount of stress and guilt] anyway), I make a list of things I've already done. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. It makes me feel like less of a slowed-down, fuzzy brained, useless piece of weeping sludge. When I feel ridiculous, like a waste of space, it really helps to throw myself a tiny parade for each little thing I get done.

Recently, I felt especially desperate and created one at work. It was a slow day, and I was on the verge of a crying fit, so I took pen to paper and jotted down some tasks well done. Or at least done.

Today:

take bath                                    go to psychiatrist      

eat relatively healthy lunch        post queer issues petition 

get dressed                                eat breakfast

get help                                      cry

stay cheerful at work                 sing

drink water                                give coping advice

finish reading a book                 schedule SP work

 

This week:

do dishes                                    go to set strike

have sex                                     drive to Chicago and back    

talk to SG                                   do laundry

go to comedy show                    go to theatre event

spend time with TM                   share pictures

call Dad                                      pay rent

raise money for charity              have amazing latte

talk to EW                                  take a day off

pitch 2 interviews                       eat pastry

deposit wedding checks             book honeymoon

 

This month:

go to PZ's birthday                     go to the doctor     

invite MB to wedding                 look at wedding pics    

talk to MH                                  get married

move MM out                            talk to LG

propose for season                    hug JR

write wedding vows                   dance with OG

 

This year:

plan a wedding                           play Ophelia

baby-sit OG                                bowl with drag queens   

learn to make espresso              start writing for SP  

buy wedding band                      get a lap dance

have 2 bachelorette parties        get a new job

go to JK's wedding                     meet MG

go to SK's wedding                    direct Vacation

go to HJ's wedding                     see Absinthe

go to MI's wedding                     go to Las Vegas

have a bridal shower

After seeing everything I had already accomplished, I promptly gave myself permission to do nothing for the rest of the day. Sometimes that's what you have to do.

Help others to help yourself.

There was this girl I did a couple of plays with in high school. She was a few years younger, and we got along great. I've barely spoken to her since -we "like" each other's stuff on Facebook once in a while and make each other laugh in comment threads.

Today, I received a message from her, and I couldn't keep it to myself. This interaction was so inspiring and helpful. It feels so good to make that connection with someone, and it's infinitely encouraging to feel trusted and valued by someone "out there."

If you need help, give help. It's empowering and life-affirming to share someone else's journey, even if it's only for a little while.

 

Hey! I just wanted to send you a private message about how much you inspire me with your updates. The fact that you're so open about your mentality is also inspiring. My sister suffers with depression and is made to feel ashamed of it...as if it's her fault. She's only 17. She is really struggling with bullying and anxiety attacks from it. Is there any advice you can give me other than to be open (she's recently come out as bisexual) and supportive? I'm scared for her and I thought you may be able to help. I know we haven't seen each other in awhile and I don't want to invade your privacy, but we seem to have similar ideals and I thought it'd be ok to reach out to you.   

Wishing you the best!

Thank you. Thank you so much. If she needs anyone to listen or to talk about serious things or silly things, there is someone who doesn't even know her, who is dying to learn who she is and how her life is shaping. And YOU. If you ever want to talk about anything, I do NOT put a statute of limitations on friendship. And I hope I can share what you've said. I love to share the support and inspiration that comes from talking openly about mental illness, sexuality, abuse, or anything else under the sun.

Absolutely share it. I just worry for her because I'm the only person she feels like she can be honest with and I'm so far away now.

If she needs a stranger to talk to, I'm available. Sometimes it helps to talk with someone who doesn't know all the bullshit. You can just say what you need to say and get feedback and go back to life, you know? Tell her.

I will definitely bring it up to her. High school feels so tough. And with her being bullied it's worse. She's a junior. I keep telling her she's more than halfway through it...but I know it feels endless.

It really does. High school was miserable for me (except for drama club) and I struggled with depression and body issues. It's horrible and I would never tell her it isn't. But it does end. There will be an end to that bullshit.

She's having such a rough time because on top of her questioning her sexuality, she's also on the societal "fat" side and she likes "weird" things like Dr. Who.

Tell her there are a ton of people who love Dr Who! Some of the smartest, loveliest, most talented and creative people I know are obsessed with Dr Who!

I love Dr. Who!! Even though I think Moffat is a sexist prick. I try and tell her she's just advanced and open for her age. She's not afraid of being herself but she's being made to feel like she should be!

Being the flat, smart, loud girl made me not-so-popular in high school and middle school. Those qualities meant I had to develop a sense of humor. An opinion. A personality. A screening process for friendship. I am SO MUCH BETTER OFF because I was "weird" for a while! BUT none of that will make her feel better. She needs to know that someone wants to get to know her NOW. That there is a woman who thinks she sounds interesting and smart. You are wonderful and supportive. You are also required to be. She may just need another voice. A non-relative. An objective eye.

Yes! Besides family! She told me that she doesn't think I really know how it feels since I was "pretty, skinny, and popular."

You got it. (For the record, I don't think you had no problems in high school because you were "pretty, skinny, and popular." But I know where she's coming from.)

But she won't understand until later that nobody feels "skinny, pretty, and popular" in high school. My biggest regrets are from high school. Because I didn't like myself. And so I was just a defensive bitch and now I hate the way I may have come off to people.

That's such a valuable thing for her to know! When you come out on the other side of these hard times, it's SO IMPORTANT to look back and be proud of your character. She will be such a better person in the long run. She'll see that short-term rewards are hollow. The most incredible facts about yourself are earned. They're not easy and they hurt. But then you get to live your life caring about other people and valuing yourself.

Absolutely. I totally agree.

Again, she won't want to hear any of that.

Yeah. It's tough to talk to a 16-year-old.

It's tough to BE one. She just needs someone to listen. She needs unconditional love.

WAY tough. We're not so old that we don't remember!

Guh. I remember. It seems like yesterday. And also like a dream, something that never happened.

Same thing!!!

Yeah. Weird. See? Just talking to someone else...you find out you're not alone! Someone out there really gets what you're feeling!

Yeah. I'm suggest that she meet up with you for coffee.

Absolutely. I'm so busy, but I always find a way to make time.

Thank you so much! I've been thinking about contacting you for awhile now but wasn't sure if it'd be appropriate.

Never wonder again. Door's wide open, lady.

Again. Thank you. It's nice to be able to talk to someone that gets it. You're the best.

Thank YOU. I'm so glad I got to talk to you. I hope I can help!

A Bit of Poetry

The Only place

no lonely

the only

the Only place

the single space

singularity

beaming light

choking grip

warming hand

demanding lover

patient mother

past/present

history

me

covering my

revealing my

revising and building my

true

naked

my actual self

scream here

loud enough

big enough

true and safe enough

never enough

call my bluff

never Enough

insides screaming

tears streaming

down

face down

weeping cackling

ripping stitching

rising

standing

impossible dreaming

beaming

the soap box

the tolling clock

The World in a little black box

the only

the Only place

The Story in one story

Everyone in one

the stage is the only

The Only

the very place

the Always place

the stage is the Only place

that tight embrace of open space

This Stage is the Only Place

my place

our space

this stage is

this stage in

Life

I know my place

 

 

The Master of Making Up Stuff

Even in the midst of tragedy there is always the possibility for laughter. -Del Close, the godfather of Chicago improv

In five years' time, I moved in with my boyfriend, quit several jobs, directed four plays, got fired for the first time, lost and gained friends and family, decided my dream job wasn't, and got engaged. Through all of those changes, I got more and more flexible. I accepted Life's challenged and changes with less and less resistance as the years went on. I became a more intuitive actor, a more fearless performer. I trusted my instincts a little more with each passing year, took more chances, and redefined my comfort zone on and off stage.

I've been doing improvisational comedy for five years. Even though the performances are made up, there are rules. They are universal and wise. I use them constantly. The connections to everyday living are pretty obvious, I think, but maybe that's because I've been incorporating them for so long. However, like any guidelines to sincere Truth on stage (or mental health), it's easy to get complacent and forget them. A review is in order from time to time.

1. Say, "Yes." Say, "Yes, and..."

Accept what is presented to you and add to it.

2. Listen.

Your scene partner is telling you everything you need to know. Pay attention.

3. There are no mistakes.

If something doesn't make sense, work with it until it does.

4. Use the path of least resistance.

Don't complicate things. Be creative, but simple and direct.

5. Create an environment.

Know where you are and why. Form the space and it will guide your next move.

6. Create a strong character.

Who/what are you? What's important to you and why?

7. Don't try to be funny. Be real.

Good humor is hiding in plain sight. Just be real and the funny will show itself.


If you can't remember all of this, just remember to say, "Yes, and..." Keep saying "Yes!" to Life and contribute to it. Accept what is happening, use it, and add to it. There is no good or bad in usefulness, only build.

Take a page from Uncle Del's handbook. When times are unbearable, remember there is laughter to be found. Humor is there, even if you're not in the mood to laugh. Notice where the laugh would occur, tuck the moment away, and bring it out later. When you do feel better (and you will), take that laugh for a stroll.  

My official mission statement. Here it is:

1.) help myself

If I do not take care of myself, I cannot take care of anything. Without my mental and physical health intact, I am unable to maintain and obtain normal relationships or fulfilling activities. Given my blue collar background, this has been a tough lesson. The working class is generally encouraged to suck it up and clock in on time. I tried to want a serious career that will take over my life so I can retire when I'm too exhausted to enjoy my time off. I tried to swallow my feelings and be the perfect mate, the perfect employee, and the perfect friend. None of that shit works. Rubbing some dirt on it doesn't. work.

2.) help others

I just want to help someone get through the day. I believe that making someone else's day a little bit easier, a little bit better, is a basic courtesy. It costs nothing and rewards the giver and receiver. There is no good reason to go through life alone and without help.

3.) educate myself about depression

Life is a lesson. I'm going to learn everything I can and pass as much of my knowledge along as possible. I hope to absorb the wisdom gained from other people's experiences, too, without having to go through the messy inconvenience of living them.

4.) educate others about depression

I must gain insight from my experiences because, otherwise, they're a waste. If that insight and hope can be spread around, then all the better.

      4b.) Reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness

              stigma /ˈstɪgmə/ Show Spelled 

              1. a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one's reputation.  

I'm not a doctor.

Despite my best efforts to start a private practice, I can't "practice medicine" without a "medical degree."

I only have my own experience and research. I do not have all of the answers for everyone (or even myself). I can tell you what works for me. I can offer up my friends' advice and my family's supportive words, but I cannot (and should not) diagnose your life for you. I can tell you what works for me. Maybe it will work for you.

Sadness is to depression as a sneeze is to a cold.

When you let loose with a big sneeze, people might think you have a cold. Sure, people sneeze when they have colds, but that's not the only reason you might do it. Maybe you're experiencing a large intake of dust after rearranging your bookshelves. Maybe you put too much pepper on your scrambled eggs. Maybe you've gone against your mother's sage advice and are staring directly at the blazing sun. In any case, a sneeze does not mean a cold. And, furthermore, having a cold does not necessarily mean that you will sneeze.

Sometimes I look over the past few days and weeks, and I realize I may be depressed, even though I haven't felt especially unhappy. I experience many symptoms of depression. Here are some of them:
fatigue
loss of appetite (or only wanting a few specific foods for a prolonged period)
irritability
fixation (on a game, a TV show, a person, a song, a conversation, my physical flaws)
anxiety
nausea
arachnophobia (which is always somewhat present but flairs up during depressed phases) 
very low or high sex drive
sadness
feeling helpless (not to be mistaken with hopelessness)
headache
lack of concentration/forgetfulness
light and/or late periods
paranoia about other people's feelings and intentions
low self-esteem
compulsion (mostly cravings for alcohol/cigarettes/chocolate/caffeine)
dizziness
loss of interest in normal activities, including hygiene-based rituals

Depression is not the end.

While none of that is fun, it is not the end of me. It is confusing and complicated and it sucks, but that doesn't mean I can't gain anything from it. It's not easy to understand or experience, but I do like having the wherewithal to categorize my mental illness. It helps me feel control over something that can feel completely uncontrollable. Depression is interesting, and I am constantly learning new things about it and myself.

I'm excited to share those things with you.