A Bit of Poetry

The Only place

no lonely

the only

the Only place

the single space

singularity

beaming light

choking grip

warming hand

demanding lover

patient mother

past/present

history

me

covering my

revealing my

revising and building my

true

naked

my actual self

scream here

loud enough

big enough

true and safe enough

never enough

call my bluff

never Enough

insides screaming

tears streaming

down

face down

weeping cackling

ripping stitching

rising

standing

impossible dreaming

beaming

the soap box

the tolling clock

The World in a little black box

the only

the Only place

The Story in one story

Everyone in one

the stage is the only

The Only

the very place

the Always place

the stage is the Only place

that tight embrace of open space

This Stage is the Only Place

my place

our space

this stage is

this stage in

Life

I know my place

 

 

The Master of Making Up Stuff

Even in the midst of tragedy there is always the possibility for laughter. -Del Close, the godfather of Chicago improv

In five years' time, I moved in with my boyfriend, quit several jobs, directed four plays, got fired for the first time, lost and gained friends and family, decided my dream job wasn't, and got engaged. Through all of those changes, I got more and more flexible. I accepted Life's challenged and changes with less and less resistance as the years went on. I became a more intuitive actor, a more fearless performer. I trusted my instincts a little more with each passing year, took more chances, and redefined my comfort zone on and off stage.

I've been doing improvisational comedy for five years. Even though the performances are made up, there are rules. They are universal and wise. I use them constantly. The connections to everyday living are pretty obvious, I think, but maybe that's because I've been incorporating them for so long. However, like any guidelines to sincere Truth on stage (or mental health), it's easy to get complacent and forget them. A review is in order from time to time.

1. Say, "Yes." Say, "Yes, and..."

Accept what is presented to you and add to it.

2. Listen.

Your scene partner is telling you everything you need to know. Pay attention.

3. There are no mistakes.

If something doesn't make sense, work with it until it does.

4. Use the path of least resistance.

Don't complicate things. Be creative, but simple and direct.

5. Create an environment.

Know where you are and why. Form the space and it will guide your next move.

6. Create a strong character.

Who/what are you? What's important to you and why?

7. Don't try to be funny. Be real.

Good humor is hiding in plain sight. Just be real and the funny will show itself.


If you can't remember all of this, just remember to say, "Yes, and..." Keep saying "Yes!" to Life and contribute to it. Accept what is happening, use it, and add to it. There is no good or bad in usefulness, only build.

Take a page from Uncle Del's handbook. When times are unbearable, remember there is laughter to be found. Humor is there, even if you're not in the mood to laugh. Notice where the laugh would occur, tuck the moment away, and bring it out later. When you do feel better (and you will), take that laugh for a stroll.  

My official mission statement. Here it is:

1.) help myself

If I do not take care of myself, I cannot take care of anything. Without my mental and physical health intact, I am unable to maintain and obtain normal relationships or fulfilling activities. Given my blue collar background, this has been a tough lesson. The working class is generally encouraged to suck it up and clock in on time. I tried to want a serious career that will take over my life so I can retire when I'm too exhausted to enjoy my time off. I tried to swallow my feelings and be the perfect mate, the perfect employee, and the perfect friend. None of that shit works. Rubbing some dirt on it doesn't. work.

2.) help others

I just want to help someone get through the day. I believe that making someone else's day a little bit easier, a little bit better, is a basic courtesy. It costs nothing and rewards the giver and receiver. There is no good reason to go through life alone and without help.

3.) educate myself about depression

Life is a lesson. I'm going to learn everything I can and pass as much of my knowledge along as possible. I hope to absorb the wisdom gained from other people's experiences, too, without having to go through the messy inconvenience of living them.

4.) educate others about depression

I must gain insight from my experiences because, otherwise, they're a waste. If that insight and hope can be spread around, then all the better.

      4b.) Reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness

              stigma /ˈstɪgmə/ Show Spelled 

              1. a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one's reputation.  

I'm not a doctor.

Despite my best efforts to start a private practice, I can't "practice medicine" without a "medical degree."

I only have my own experience and research. I do not have all of the answers for everyone (or even myself). I can tell you what works for me. I can offer up my friends' advice and my family's supportive words, but I cannot (and should not) diagnose your life for you. I can tell you what works for me. Maybe it will work for you.

Sadness is to depression as a sneeze is to a cold.

When you let loose with a big sneeze, people might think you have a cold. Sure, people sneeze when they have colds, but that's not the only reason you might do it. Maybe you're experiencing a large intake of dust after rearranging your bookshelves. Maybe you put too much pepper on your scrambled eggs. Maybe you've gone against your mother's sage advice and are staring directly at the blazing sun. In any case, a sneeze does not mean a cold. And, furthermore, having a cold does not necessarily mean that you will sneeze.

Sometimes I look over the past few days and weeks, and I realize I may be depressed, even though I haven't felt especially unhappy. I experience many symptoms of depression. Here are some of them:
fatigue
loss of appetite (or only wanting a few specific foods for a prolonged period)
irritability
fixation (on a game, a TV show, a person, a song, a conversation, my physical flaws)
anxiety
nausea
arachnophobia (which is always somewhat present but flairs up during depressed phases) 
very low or high sex drive
sadness
feeling helpless (not to be mistaken with hopelessness)
headache
lack of concentration/forgetfulness
light and/or late periods
paranoia about other people's feelings and intentions
low self-esteem
compulsion (mostly cravings for alcohol/cigarettes/chocolate/caffeine)
dizziness
loss of interest in normal activities, including hygiene-based rituals

Depression is not the end.

While none of that is fun, it is not the end of me. It is confusing and complicated and it sucks, but that doesn't mean I can't gain anything from it. It's not easy to understand or experience, but I do like having the wherewithal to categorize my mental illness. It helps me feel control over something that can feel completely uncontrollable. Depression is interesting, and I am constantly learning new things about it and myself.

I'm excited to share those things with you.