What happened to you?

It's not that people don't care or haven't had any experience with mental illness; it's just difficult to understand. The stigma surrounding mental illness is as strong as it is outdated. Not that I blame people for their lack of knowledge. It's much easier to think of depression as a temporary, self-inflicted phase than a dangerous disease with complex and varied sources and treatments. It's a lot quicker to call a person "crazy" than to understand the social, physical, chemical, and circumstantial factors that influence her mental health.

I've heard some pretty ignorant and hurtful things in regards to mental illness. These are just a few actual things that people have said to me in reference to my depression.

"What does a beautiful young woman like you have to be depressed about?"

This question is a statement. This kind of remark says I have no right to suffer from my illness. This question-statement suggests that I can simply not be the way I am if I look at myself in the mirror. Depression is a right, something you earn by being trod upon and disfigured. If I would just choose to realize how good I have it in comparison to others, I wouldn't be sick anymore. It says that unattractive people or those over 50 may and should be depressed. This question was meant as a compliment! A medial professional said this to me, and she should have known better.

"What happened?"

This kind of question is also a statement. It says that a person should only have "an emotional problem" if a sufficiently awful event has occurred. I get this a lot when I come out to a new person as a sufferer of mental illness. When I say, quite plainly, that I live with depression, I'm often met with this well-meaning question. This is like responding to an abuse victim's tale with "What did you do? You must have done something..." To be fair, sometimes circumstances trigger depression. That does happen. However, my depression is chronic and hereditary. If something horrible happens, it may bring on my symptoms, yes, but more often than not, there is no immediate, external reason for my illness to show itself.

"I wanted to shake you by the shoulders and tell you to get over yourself. Your friends' eyes are soon going to glaze over, and they will not be able to give you the attention you demand."

Unlike other questions and comments about my illness, this was said specifically to hurt me. It worked. I am in a constant battle against the paranoia that I could be demanding too much help, attention, and validation. As a person dealing with mental illness, I am painfully aware of the emotional burden I can be on my loved ones. It's unbearable. No matter how small the imposition, I feel the guilt of being an "attention hog" or "needy" or a "drama queen." I don't want the kind of attention that makes me the center of the universe or the focus of conversation. I crave the care and attention that come from not being able to trust my own perception.

"Sometimes being a friend means letting someone else be more sad for a while."

Depression is not a contest. It can be difficult to see past my own insomnia, weight loss, and feelings of helplessness, but I won't invalidate another person's emotions because it's "my turn" to be sad. Depression, whether clinical or circumstantial, is not a competition for sympathy cards. Your struggle is your struggle and mine is mine. There aren't any points to keep track of; there's no schedule to adhere to. We're both just trying to survive, and covering up my struggle is not the way to do it.

"You have to decide to be happy."

This is a crock. It's a nice idea for a motivational poster, but it just doesn't apply to mental illness. Would you tell a person with MS to will himself out of sickness? No. That's insensitive and medically unsound. How many cancer patients have you told to just think away the tumor? None. Because you'd be a complete asshole if you suggested such a thing. So why is it acceptable to prescribe "mind over matter" to a person suffering from a mental disease? It's not. It's not helpful to suggest that a person is simply choosing to be sick. It's not okay to tell someone she needs to "snap out of it" and wake up healthy. Not to mention the fact that you're telling someone to use the very thing that is malfunctioning to fix the broken part. Now who's crazy?

"You do love your drama..."

I've gotten used to crying uncontrollably. There came a point when I had to stop being embarrassed about it or leave the room. Wasting away my evenings in a bathrobe is not my idea of fun, but the pile of dishes in the sink hasn't gotten bigger than my will to sleep until I feel human again. I make jokes about my disease because no one likes a Debbie Downer. I use humor to cope. I transform trauma into art. I found a way to make my weakness a strength. I don't enjoy it.



There's no reason to suffer these slights quietly. Most people don't know how hurtful they are being, and they won't know unless you tell them.

Educate yourself. If you are living with mental illness, learn more about it. (If you're not, that shouldn't stop you from finding out more anyway.) Find others who are coping. Empower yourself with information.